EXT: Auderly Manor. Night.
A dilapidated manor house stands imposingly on a bleak winters night. RUSSELL (20s) stands outside, freezing. Wrapped in a thick coat, he holds up a phone on a selfie stick. He addresses the phone as it records him on a live stream.
RUSSELL
Hello there fellow Horror Hunters, welcome to episode 67 of ‘Trust Me - It’s Haunted’ and today we’re at Auderly Manor. Your great Nan might’ve liked it here once for afternoon tea… but the grunts and groans of the ghouls trapped here now certainly don’t. Then again, your great nanna might be one of them ghouls. I kid, I kid.
RUSSELL begins walking across the lawn to the front entrance.
RUSSELL
Built in 1836, this house has been host to many spooky spectacles over the years. In 1899, three maids disappeared whilst on their daily rounds. In 1982, a child smashed this very window with a football… Hours later, only his bright blue boots could be found, sat in a puddle. And just last year, vlogger Elliot Harper, decided to break into the house… and he never… came… BACK. So, I’m gonna do it properly. Here we go!
RUSSELL pulls out a whopping great crowbar from his rucksack, and with a couple of heaves, begins to break through the front door.
RUSSELL
Here we go, uncharted territory Horror Hunters! Elliot Harper, eat your heart out!
RUSSELL feels a pat on his back! He whips round, horrified.
RUSSELL
Arrghh!!!
ELLIOT
Alright mate. Bit late to the party ain’t yer?
ELLIOT (20s) is dressed in a gym shirt, with big hair and even bigger arms.
RUSSELL
What?
ELLIOT
I’ve already done this one mate. Bit boring. Nothing to see here.
RUSSELL
Nothing to see here? It’s one of the most haunted houses in the area.
ELLIOT
Not really though mate.
RUSSELL
Right. What about the disappearing maids?
ELLIOT
They disappeared to go and have a quickie in the back. When their manager found out, they were fired. That’s where they went mate. Not ghosts - just proper reprimanding for inappropriate workplace relationships. Pretty forward thinking for 1899 you gotta admit.
RUSSELL
1982. The kid playing football.
ELLIOT
He stepped in cow poo.
RUSSELL
What?
ELLIOT
Yeah, stepped in cow poo, left his shoes in a puddle to soak, went round the back to play bare foot. Came back round, shoes were clean, tittered off back home.
RUSSELL
But his parents never found him?
ELLIOT
Mate, if you stepped in the cow shit in these fields, your parents would disown you too. It’s like… supercharged. Proper. Grade A level cow shit.
RUSSELL
And you. What about you?
ELLIOT
What about me?
RUSSELL
What happened to you?
ELLIOT
Nothing happened to me mate, I’m great. Look at me, I can crush cans of tuna with these abs.
RUSSELL
Abs?
ELLIOT
Yeah, me guns, look at ‘em.
ELLIOT flexes his muscles. A picturesque drop of sweat drips down them. It’s pretty fit.
RUSSELL
That’s pretty fit.
ELLIOT
You’re pretty fit.
RUSSELL
Elliot?
ELLIOT
Wanna see my gym?
RUSSELL
Your gym…
ELLIOT
What do you think I’ve been doing here all year?
RUSSELL
Everyone thought you’d vanished…
ELLIOT
Nah mate, come on in.
ELLIOT pulls out a set of keys and opens the door to the abandoned mansion. Except, it’s not abandoned at all… Inside is the most incredible gym you have ever seen, filled with people working out to their hearts content.
ELLIOT
Doesn’t make business sense does it? Big empty hulk of a building in the middle of nowhere. Perfect for a gym. I’m in property development now bro. Vlogging is so last decade.
RUSSELL
But what about all the grunts and groans of the ghosts that we hear coming from inside? It’s reported like every night!
ELLIOT
That’s just people giving some strong tugs on the diverging LAT pulldown mate. You’d be groaning if you were doing them on full heat too y’know.
RUSSELL
Right. Mystery solved I guess Horror Hunters.
ELLIOT
Wanna come in?
RUSSELL
Sure. I’ve always wanted to work on my abs.
ELLIOT
Ooooh, now you’re talking my language.
RUSSELL drops his selfie stick to the floor, and the live-stream cuts out.
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