My Sponsored Walk

Isn’t it marvellous when a long-term dream collides with the chance to do something good for society? 

My dream for the past couple of years has been to traverse the island of Great Britain end to end without touching the ground. How will I do this?

The answer is in plain sight, sweeping over our farmland, stretching across our highways. Yes, folks, I’m going to do the nation’s first ever sponsored pylon walk.

I’ve spent the past five months training to be an expert tightrope walker, and I’ll wear a unique wetsuit made from a combination of various non-conductors of electricity, including rubber, plastic, and shards of glass, to keep those pesky shocks at bay.

I had planned to walk from Dungeness on the south coast up to Durness at the top of Scotland, but then I was struck by a brainwave. End to end could also mean side to side, right? So instead, I’ll be pylon walking from Morecambe to Scarborough, with that prevailing coastal wind giving me that extra push.

Naturally, I’ve heard whispers. Whispers of doubt; whispers of jealousy; whispers which criticise me for choosing two sides of the country that are relatively close together (“Why the hell isn’t she going from Aberystwyth to Cromer?”); whispers that are adamant they know best. All I can do in the face of the naysayers is to echo the words of the late John Junkin: “Sand is sand, and there’s nothing you nor I can do about that.”

People have said it’s unsafe. They know nothing. I have hired a mounted cherry picker to follow me along at all times. When needed, I’ll hop down from the pylon onto the raised platform of the cherry picker, allowing me to keep my pledge to not touch the ground during the sponsored walk. These short but important breaks will allow me to have a moment or two of contemplation, to consume an almond butter protein ball, and to empty my urine collection unit.

Where does doing good for society come into it? Well, my number one charity of choice was Comic Relief - I thought they’d jump at the chance to promote my wacky walk! Instead, they have discouraged me, citing fears for my safety and mental stability as their reasons to steer clear. No matter. Anyone who sponsors me can rest assured that their money will still be going to a good cause. 

For these pylons are the graveyards of thousands of birds every year, with electrocution or entanglement the killer problems. Like Comic Relief, the RSPB don’t want anything to do with me (yet), but once they see how many more birds are alive next year because of me, they’re sure to come round. My plan is simple.

Once I land on the reassuring grass of those Yorkshire clifftops, I’ll turn around and set fire to the final pylon, setting off a chain reaction that will end right back at the muddy marshes of Morecambe Bay. As long as I am 100% certain nobody else is attempting the nation’s second ever sponsored pylon walk behind me using the same route, then nobody will get hurt. Anyway, get your own route! This pylon arson (CODENAME: PARSON) will only cause damage to the metal structures themselves.

When the RSPB hears about what I’ve done, they will come running. Oh, how they’ll run. Not a panicked sort of run because of the fire, but a run that indicates their desperation for my money. In fact, I imagine them screeching to a halt in a battered Land Rover, three volunteers in dark blue fleeces cautiously exiting the vehicle and approaching me with sheepish looks on their faces. Never fear, I intend to give them all of the donation money. But only once they admit PARSON is the best way to save the birds.

Help me achieve PARSON. Help me save the birds. Help me.

Lauren Johnston writes for fun but will also do it for money if offered. She works as Keeper of the Books (ok, librarian) at a school in London. Her website is here: https://laurenjohnstonwriter.co.uk