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"Two Actors Catch Up" - An Off Script Cold Read

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In every episode of ‘Off Script’, Ben and Lloyd are faced with a tough, but real, acting challenge… To take a script, with absolutely ZERO preparation, and perform it to the best of their abilities. No peeking, no hints, no ideas - just straight into the scene, and being left to (hopefully) swim rather than sink thanks to their considerable talents!

In the fourth episode of the series, the boys faced a scene that may have cut a little too close to home; a chatty, whimsical and humorous piece our very good friend Lauren Johnston. Presented here for your reading pleasure, is the script of “Two Actors Catch Up”… exactly as the Off Scripters were handed it…

INT. CAFE - DAY

Outside, passers by stop walking and excitedly point through the window of the cafe as they notice DEREK SILVER, 67, sitting inside. 

NORMAN HART, 68, is sitting opposite him.

Derek poses for a selfie with a fellow diner, who thanks Derek and leaves.

NORMAN
Fifteen.

DEREK
Fifteen?

NORMAN
Fifteen photographs in forty-five minutes.

DEREK
Well, I am incredibly famous. One person asks for a selfie, other people notice... You know how it is, Norm.

NORMAN
I don’t know how it is, Dez. I haven’t been asked for a selfie...

DEREK
For how long?

NORMAN
That's it; I have never been asked for a selfie.

DEREK
Never?!

NORMAN
It was autographs back in my day.

DEREK
In our day.

NORMAN
Well, your day has lasted much longer than mine. You must be aware that I am no longer considered ‘well-known’.

DEREK 
Oh, come now! Weren’t you voted “television’s funniest person ever” or something? Or was that Del Boy?

NORMAN 
It was me, for a year, in 1981. But it was never like this with all these camera phones... Anyway, well done on Galactricks. Great show. “Magic... in space!” My granddaughter loves it.

DEREK 
Your granddaughter. Yes... Florence.

NORMAN 
Nope.

DEREK 
Verona?

NORMAN 
No.

DEREK 
Roma?

NORMAN 
No.

(beat)

DEREK 
Is she called The Amalfi Coast?

NORMAN 
Her name’s Sienna.

DEREK 
I see my mistake. I have a house in Tuscany, you know.

NORMAN 
Right. Is it... nice?

DEREK 
It’s a gorgeous villa with views of rolling hills packed full of vineyards, and it’s my favourite place in the world. But it’d be nicer with me in it. Haven’t been over there for months. It’s just work, work, work. Anyway... it’s been a while since I saw Sienna. She must be getting big now! How old is she, five?

NORMAN 
Six.

DEREK 
Six! Sorry I’ve been away so long, Norm. That’s Disney for you! You know how it - ah no. Look, would you like me to put a word in for you?

NORMAN 
I’m a granddad, Derek. I’m not jetting off to Hollywood. Although, if you do know of anything more local...

DEREK 
Who are you with now?

(Norman inhales and hums awkwardly)

DEREK 
Norman.

NORMAN 
Hmm?

DEREK 
Who’s your agent?

NORMAN 
(reluctantly) Mongolia Jane.

DEREK 
What? Mongolia Jane? She’s not an agent.

NORMAN 
She is! She’s been my agent for forty years.

DEREK 
Hang on. Is this: “sign with me and they’ll -

NORMAN 
- know your name in Mongolia” Jane, yes.

DEREK 
But... that time we first met her at the Comedy Store - when was it?

NORMAN 
‘79.

DEREK 
1979... Norm, she was one of the acts.

NORMAN 
No, she wasn’t.

DEREK 
She was! She’s a character! She’s not real.

NORMAN 
That can’t be right.

DEREK 
You got the lead in Frankly My Dear because you knew the writer, yes?

NORMAN 
Yes.

DEREK 
So which jobs has Mongolia Jane ever got you?

NORMAN 
Umm...

DEREK 
Do you meet with her?

NORMAN 
Yes. We have quarterly phone calls and meet in person once or twice a year.

DEREK 
She probably thinks you’re humouring her, that you’re in on the joke.

NORMAN 
I’m not pretending to be her client, I am actually her client.

DEREK 
Oh please! No wonder you’re not working! What was the last thing you did?

NORMAN 
Pointless.

DEREK 
When?

NORMAN 
2012.

DEREK 
Was it the celebrity version?

NORMAN 
Course it was! Come on...

DEREK 
How far did you get?

NORMAN 
We got knocked out in the second round.

DEREK 
Who did they put you with?

NORMAN 
Mr Motivator - look, this isn’t important! What do you want, anyway? Inviting me here just to insult me, rubbing it in... “I’ve got a show on Disney, I’ve got a house in Tuscany, I’ve done better than you even though you were a star first - oh and, by the way Norman, turns out your agent isn’t real”. Well, forget it!

(Norman stands and starts putting his coat on)

NORMAN 
I thought it’d be nice to catch up, but you’ve just reminded me of everything I never achieved.

DEREK 
Norman.

NORMAN 
It’s simply been me watching an impromptu meet and greet with Derek Silver.

DEREK 
Norman.

NORMAN 
What?

DEREK 
When was the last time you felt such passion?

NORMAN 
Eh?

DEREK 
Look at you. You’ve been sitting on that sofa far too long.

NORMAN 
What do you mean?

DEREK 
Your energy! I love it. Let’s use that fire, that rage! Let’s get you back on the telly...

How well do you think Ben and Lloyd did? Is there anything you would change about their interpretation? Or do you think it was pitch perfect? Please do let us know!

If you haven’t already, you can listen to episode four of Off Script here;


YouTube - https://youtu.be/8kez3jB_5y8?si=9l1YTKQHAWcDR99A

Episode Five lands on Tuesday 2nd June, as the boys discuss everything you need to know about rehearsals. We hope to see you there!

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