“I’m off to the Australian Outback. No-one’s gonna nuke me there.”
It was a bold statement which, once spoken aloud, had to be followed through on. Be embarrassing not to.
I hadn’t said it to anyone in particular - in fact I think I may have been alone at the time - but I still felt a need to commit to something.
So that evening, I packed a suitcase and booked a flight to Perth. It cost over £1,000, but ask yourself: how much is your life worth? Have you ever heard of anyone bombing the Outback? Can you even imagine it? Didn’t think so. Safest place to be.
Then I realised I didn’t know anybody in Australia, so I would be alone. I asked an old friend, Tyler, if she fancied coming with me. I’d met her many years before whilst working at a branch of Burger King to pass the time. She taught me the trick of pretending to be a smoker so you could get a break any time you liked. I showed her the trick of saying you were going to do a burger stock take during a sweltering summer shift, just so you could stand in the freezer room for fifteen minutes.
Tyler said it was nice to hear from me after eight years, but a little out of the blue. Why was I asking her to go to Australia with me, she questioned.
It’s safe out there, I told her.
What about the snakes, she asked.
Well, this knocked me for six. I used the Google, and lo and behold, 25 of the 205 snake species found in Australia are considered deadly. I couldn’t believe it. Then, I remembered something I’d heard Steve Backshall say on Deadly 60. You should never run away from a snake, but you can slowly back away. You cannot slowly back away from a bomb.
I put this to Tyler.
What about the spiders, she retorted.
Okay. Another Google search. “What type of spiders are in Australia?”
Reader. I will not be repeating what I discovered with that one.
Then again, I thought, these animals are instinctive, territorial. The Outback is huge. If I come across one, I can simply reverse myself and wander somewhere else.
Again, I responded successfully to Tyler.
Alright, she said. But why there? A hostile environment with scorching days and freezing nights, vast areas miles away from any centre of civilisation? Three days without water and you’re dead anyway - you won’t have to worry about World War Three, she told me.
I admitted it had been the first place I’d thought of when considering places nobody would ever bomb. The end of the world scared me, you see, and I wanted to get away before it all came to a head.
There are other places, she said softly (at least, I read it in a soft tone in my head).
Like where, I asked despondently.
The Peak District, she suggested.
Well, I had to give her that one. I couldn’t imagine anyone nuking Bakewell or Buxton.
So, off I went. Tyler declined to accompany me, but I’ll be the one chuckling when the news comes that her street’s been destroyed in the coming onslaught.
I’m having to hitchhike, on account of being short of cash. You see, I didn’t want to spend an extra £2.50 to guarantee I could refund my flight to Perth, so that’s £1,074 I’ve paid for someone else to have an empty seat next to them on their way Down Under. Which is nice for them, I suppose.
I’m currently just outside Luton. No motorist seems keen to give me a lift northwards, but I have to remember that, from their perspective, I am a stranger. Ha! It’s mind-boggling to think that way, but it is a fact that just because I know me, doesn’t mean everyone else does.
Walking will be fine though. There’s a lovely little Discovery Centre where I’ve stopped to sit at a wooden picnic table and catch my breath. I should reach my destination in around two and a half days.
Goodbye to civilisation. Hello nature. Hello peace.
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