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“Get Thee to a Nunnery” - Off Script Cold Read’s - Episode One

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We hope you’re all enjoying our brand new series Off Script with Ben and Lloyd! We’re very glad to hear that people are enjoying the first episode. A brand new episode will be released every fortnight, so there’s plenty more nattering to come! 

But for now, in a new regular feature to the blog, we will be offering you an insight into the making of the series, in the form of the fortnightly ‘Cold Read’ segment…

In every episode the boys are faced with a tough, but real, acting challenge… To take a script, with absolutely ZERO preparation, and perform it to the best of their abilities. No peeking, no hints, no ideas - just straight into the scene, and being left to (hopefully) swim rather than sink thanks to their considerable talents!

In the first episode of the series, the boys tackled a broad comedy written by our very own Alexander Akin. Presented here for your reading pleasure, is the script of “Get Thee To A Nunnery”… exactly as the Off Scripters were handed it…

FRED sits in a pub. He sips his refreshing lager beer.  His best friend LUCAS walks in. 


Fred: Alright mate, fancy a beer?


Lucas: Not today mate. 


Fred: What are you talking about? You love beer. 


Lucas: I know-


Fred: You love beer more than you love your kids. That’s why you called your son, “Birra Moretti!”


Lucas: I know. The thing is, I can’t stay for long. 


Fred: Why not?


Lucas: (Emotional) Fred, I’m here to say goodbye. 


Fred: Lucas, what’s the matter?


Lucas: I’m in trouble. 


Fred: What’s happened?


Lucas: I slapped a nun in the face. 


Fred spits out his beer. 


Fred: You slapped a nun in the face?


Lucas: Yep. 


Beat. 


Fred: What on Earth did you do that for?


Lucas: She slapped me first! And it really hurt. 


Fred: Why did she slap you?

Lucas: She saw me on the street, asked for a donation, and I said… “You’re having nun of my money”.


Beat. 


Lucas: Get it? NUN of my money?


The pair laugh hysterically. 


Lucas: The thing is, I’m going to prison. 


Fred: For how long?


Lucas: Twenty five years. 


Fred: For slapping a nun? She slapped you first!


Lucas: There’s something I need to tell you. I have special powers. 


Fred: Oh, this’ll be good…


Lucas: When I slap someone, my hand is so powerful, it causes them to explode. 


Fred: Ha ha, very funny. 


Lucas: I’m serious. She exploded right in front of me. 


Fred: (Sarcastic) Oh yeah, may she rest in pieces. 


Lucas: Fred, you’re not listening to me. 


Fred: Go on, slap me. Prove it. 


Lucas: If I slap you, you will explode. 


Fred: I don’t believe you. Go on, slap me. 


Lucas: I won’t. 


Fred: Go on, slap me. Right in the face. 


Lucas: You won’t survive. 


Fred: SLAP ME!


Lucas: Alright…


Lucas slaps Fred. Sure enough, Fred explodes. 


Lucas: Told you…


How well do you think Ben and Lloyd did? Is there anything you would change about their interpretation? Or do you think it was pitch perfect? Please do let us know!

In the coming weeks we will be sharing all of the ‘Cold Read’ scripts, from a wide variety of fantastic writer’s we’ve been lucky enough to work with. Each one will be very, very different. Horror, drama… even monologues! The boys will be tested to their limit - and you can come along for the ride!

If you haven’t already, you can listen to episode one of Off Script here;



Episode Two lands on Tuesday 7th April, and the boys will be taking on the subject of Touring, providing their tips, insights, as well as the usual bantering. We love bantering. We hope to see you there!

Alexander Akin is a writer, director and one of the two extremely intelligent executive producers behind Minor Spillage Productions. His hobbies include long strolls, glass blowing, competitive table tennis and none of the hobbies stated above.

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