Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I think it’s time we had a talk. That’s why I’ve written you this letter. I assumed you didn’t take phone calls, CEOs never do. I bet your PA screens the calls. There’s no chance that I’d get through, not when I’m me, and you’re you. 

You probably don’t know who I am. My name is Kyle. I assume that I was on one of your lists at some point. I’d love to know which one. I was a bit of a bully in school, so I was probably on the naughty list. Saying that, I thought naughty kids at least got a lump of coal. I didn’t get anything from you. I’m sure it was just a clerical error, you have a lot of people to get through. I just think it would have been easier on my mum if she didn’t have to get the presents. She was on her own Santa. She’d bankrupt herself every year.

I’ve got to ask, why do the rich children get more presents from you each year than the poor ones? Seems unfair. Unless their parents are investing their money into your workshops? I guess that’s possible. Rich people are always investing in something.  Money breeds money. You know Santa, why don’t you ever just get someone a massive pile of cash for Christmas? I suppose if you did it for too many people, it would affect the economy or something. You could at least get them a nice dinner, or clothes, or help with their bills for a month, buy new school equipment and all the things that people are struggling to afford? I mean, excuse my french Santa, but I don’t think buying little Peter a bike is going to solve the fucking homelessness crisis. 

I feel like you don’t do enough. You certainly aren’t putting your powers to good use. We literally have a man who can travel into every house around the world within 24 hours and we don’t utilise this man to fight over seas? Why don’t you take down rapists and murderers? Surely they’re on your naughty list, surely you know where they are? I suppose you don’t want to get your hands dirty, or maybe it’s because you only work one day of the year. That takes the piss by the way. I have to go to meetings when I’ve not worked in a while. How much are you getting paid for that one day to justify being off all the sodding time? 

Sorry for having a go Santa, it’s been a tough year. I’ll tell you what I want for Christmas, if it’s not too much to ask? I want to get absolutely wasted. I’m talking sensory overload, gurning, seeing shit and vomiting kind of wasted. I know you wouldn’t have a problem with it. The amount of alcohol and mince pies you have at each house, you must have substance abuse issues. You ever popped an E? I bet you have Santa you naughty little boy!

Why do I want to get wasted? I realise it’s an unusual thing to ask. Truth is, I think it would do me some good. I want to forget about my mum being gone. I want to forget about not having a job. I want to forget about the constant never ending shit show my life has become. I want to forget about how my dad has done nothing for me. I guess he’s a bit like you in that respect Santa. So go on, you owe me this.

Sincerely yours,
Kyle Manfield

P.S.
If you don’t reply to me soon, I’m coming to the North Pole and burning it all down.

Josh Dixon is a writer, director and one of the two extremely intelligent executive producers behind Minor Spillage Productions. His hobbies include long strolls, glass blowing, competitive table tennis and none of the hobbies stated above.